Dealing with infertility

Not having a child

If you have not been able to preserve your fertility, or even if you have, you may come to accept that you won’t have a child, or more children. You might feel like you ran out of time, money or energy to keep trying to have a child. Not being able to have a child after cancer treatment may cause a range of emotions, including:

• sadness or emptiness
• a sense of grief or loss for the life you thought you would have
• anger that cancer and its treatment caused changes to your body
• relief, contentment or happiness
• empowerment, if you chose not to have children.

It can take time to accept that you won’t have a child and learn to enjoy the benefits of being child-free – more time to follow other aspects of your life, focus on your relationships, advance your career or afford a different lifestyle. Many people have happy and fulfilling lives without children or gain satisfaction from other types of nurturing.

How you feel about having a child may change over time. It may depend on if you have a partner and how they feel. If you want support, you can talk to a counsellor, social worker or psychologist. They can also help you deal with challenging situations (e.g. if your partner feels differently to you).

See our tips on coping with an infertility diagnosis and other ways to find support.

I learnt that you can live a fulfilled life without children.

Duncan

Emotional impact of infertility

How people respond to infertility varies. Common reactions include shock, grief, anger or depression from the disruption of life plans, uncertainty about the future, loss of control over life direction, and worry about the potential effects of early menopause (such as reduced bone density).

The physical and emotional process of infertility treatment, and not knowing if it will work, can be exhausting. People who didn’t get a chance to think about their fertility until treatment was over say that the emotions can be especially strong.

While these feelings are a natural reaction to loss of fertility, see Coping strategies for ways to manage these feelings before they overwhelm you. It may also help to consider other ways of becoming a parent, or you may decide to stop trying to have a child.

For more information, see Emotions and cancer and Relationships and your sex life. 

I am glad my doctor helped me work through the emotions of what was my top priority. I finally felt that overcoming cancer and getting on with my life were most important and everything else came after that.

Duncan

Coping strategies

Learning that cancer treatment has affected your ability to have children can be challenging. There is no right or wrong way of coping. The strategies described here may help you feel a greater sense of control and confidence.

Gather information

The impact of cancer on your fertility may change your plans or make them unpredictable. Knowing your options for building a family may help you deal with feelings of uncertainty.

Get support from others

Talking to people who have been in a similar situation or to family and friends can reduce feelings of isolation and help you cope. Consider joining a support group for people with cancer or fertility-related issues.

Consider professional counselling

You can talk to a counsellor about the impact of infertility. Most fertility units have a fertility counsellor or you can contact the Australian and New Zealand Infertility Counsellors Association.

Get creative

If you don’t want to talk about how you are feeling, you could keep a journal or blog, or you could make music, draw, paint or craft. You can share your writing or artworks with those close to you or keep them private.

Both of these techniques can help reduce stress and anxiety. Exercise such as walking can also help with mood changes and energy levels.

Listen to Cancer Council's podcast series Finding Calm During Cancer.

Other ways to be a parent

Giving birth yourself or having your partner become pregnant aren’t the only ways to become a parent. This section talks about other paths to parenthood you may want to consider, including surrogacy, adoption and fostering.

Surrogacy

Surrogacy may be an option if you are unable or do not wish to carry a pregnancy. For example, you may choose a surrogate to carry your embryo if you do not have a uterus or you have been advised that it is medically too risky to carry a pregnancy.

In Australia, a surrogate is a healthy female who carries a donated embryo to term. The surrogate cannot use her own eggs. Either your or a donor provide the egg and sperm to create an embryo.

This embryo is implanted into the uterus of the surrogate through IVF. It’s common for people to ask someone they know to be the surrogate. You can cover the surrogate’s medical costs and other reasonable expenses. In Australia, it is illegal to advertise for a surrogate or pay a person to be a surrogate. Paid surrogacy is legal in some countries. However, in some Australian states and territories it is a criminal offence for residents to enter into commercial surrogacy arrangements overseas – you will need to check that it is legal in your state or territory.

It is also important to seek independent legal advice about parentage, citizenship and any conditions you and the surrogate have to meet. To find out more about international surrogacy, visit Smart Traveller.

Surrogacy is a complex process. The fertility clinic organising it ensures that both the donor and surrogate go through counselling and psychological testing before the process begins. An ethics committee may also have to approve your case. This ensures that everyone involved makes a well-informed decision.

Adoption and fostering

Adoption involves becoming the legal parent of a child who is not biologically yours and looking after them permanently. Although the number of adoptions in Australia each year is low, you may be able to adopt a child within Australia or from an overseas country.

Fostering (foster care) means taking responsibility for a child without becoming the legal parent. Types of foster care include emergency, respite, short-term and long-term care. In Australia, there are more opportunities to foster than to adopt.

Most adoption and fostering agencies say they do not rule out adoption or fostering for cancer survivors based on their medical history alone.

However, all applicants must declare their health status. The agency may also speak directly with your doctor and require you to have a medical examination. The intention is to determine the risk of the cancer returning and your capacity to raise a child.

Applicants for adoption and fostering must also be willing to meet other criteria. The agency from your state or territory may send a representative to assess your home, and you will have a criminal record (background) check. The process depends on where you live and if the child is from Australia or overseas.

For more information about adoption and foster care, visit the family and community service government website in your state or territory. Intercountry Adoption Australia is an information and referral service to help guide people through the overseas adoption process.

I was treated for cancer about 50 years ago when I was a toddler, and the radiation therapy damaged my ovaries. After I married, I tried fertility drugs but didn’t have a viable pregnancy. We then applied for adoption. After a 5-year wait, we received my daughter at 7 weeks old. She was my baby from the minute I laid eyes on her.

Sylvia