Carer Gateway
Services offered
Mental health support (general)
Everyday tasks
Overview
Carers often provide emotional support, but it’s also natural to have some disagreements. Good communication can often help resolve conflict.
You may also need to update friends and family on the condition of the person with cancer. If this is time-consuming or stressful, using technology such as a protected online group may help.
An important part of the carer’s role can be to provide emotional support to the person with cancer. Your presence can help them feel less isolated and lets them know you care.
Sharing how you both feel
You might want to talk to the person about their cancer diagnosis and treatment, but not know how. This may be because you:
- fear saying the wrong thing or don’t want to say something upsetting
- feel you shouldn’t talk about the cancer
- don’t know what to say or how to respond
- feel you have to be supportive and strong for the person with cancer, and worry you could become emotional.
It’s likely the person you’re caring for will experience a range of strong emotions. It can help to ask if they would like to talk. Sometimes they might talk openly about how they’re feeling. Other times they may prefer not to share their thoughts, and it’s important to respect this. They may also try to hide their feelings because they don’t want to upset you.
Try not to change the subject if a conversation gets uncomfortable. Instead share how you feel and respect each other’s feelings. It’s natural to have disagreements from time to time, especially when you’re both under stress. Although dealing with conflict can be hard, it can also bring you closer together and help you understand each other’s point of view. See below for tips on resolving conflict.
While you may be the main source of emotional support, you can encourage the person you’re caring for to speak to family members, friends or health professionals who can provide emotional support in different but valuable ways.
Ways to communicate
Be a good listener
Be a good listener
- Sit somewhere private where you will not be interrupted.
- Make it clear that you are there for as long as needed (e.g. switch off your mobile phone).
- Maintain eye contact.
- Listen carefully to what may be behind the words. Try not to think about something else or plan what you will say next.
- Acknowledge that dealing with cancer is difficult. Ask open questions to help you understand how the other person is feeling.
- Avoid interrupting or changing the subject.
- Allow the person to be sad, upset or cry. You don’t have to keep them happy all the time.
- Check your understanding of what they’ve said by repeating information or paraphrasing.
- Wait to be asked before giving any advice.
- Try to not make comparisons with other people’s situations.
- Use humour to relieve tension, if appropriate.
Resolve conflict
Resolve conflict
- Let the other person know that you care about them and want to resolve your differences.
- Be honest about what you’re thinking and feeling.
- Try to talk through the issues calmly. Hear each other out and work towards a solution, rather than seeing the other person as the problem.
- Talk about your expectations. For example, some people with advanced cancer choose to stop having treatment. You may find this hard to accept if you feel they are giving up and you want them to try other options.
- Choose your battles – it may help to focus your energy on the issues that really matter.
- If a discussion becomes heated, take a break and talk later when you are both calmer.
- Arrange for others to take on the caring role for a short time.
- Discuss the situation with your GP or ask for a referral to a social worker, counsellor or psychologist who can help you manage the conflict.
Relevant support
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