About grief

What is grief?

Grief is a natural response to any loss. The process of grieving is one of adjusting to the loss. There is no set time frame or pattern for learning to live without someone. Grief may never go away completely. With support and understanding, you will find a way to cope.

Everyone grieves differently

Everyone responds to the death of someone close to them in their own way and in their own time. This section focuses on grief after a death from cancer, but much of the information applies to any type of loss, such as the loss of a relationship, a job, a pet, your good health, your way of life or treasured possessions.

Grief can be a confusing and overwhelming experience. It can involve a range of feelings and they can affect you in different ways. You may find it helpful to learn more about common grief reactions and ways of coping.

The way you grieve can be affected by a number of things, including:

• how old you are and the age of the person who has died
• your gender
• your personality
• the relationship you had with the person who died
• the support you have from others
• how much your life will change as a result of the death
• your cultural background, including any rituals or customs associated with death
• past experiences of loss and death
• how the person died – whether their death was expected, unexpected or traumatic
• your spiritual view of life and death
• other stresses you have in your life (e.g. financial, housing)
• your past and present mental health and wellbeing.

How you feel and react to grief may be influenced by the person’s cancer experience and the way the disease progressed. You may find that you focus on memories of the physical changes and deterioration experienced by the person who died. Or you may wonder if the person could have received different treatment or care.

How family and friends might grieve

It is common for family members and friends grieving for the same person to deal with their grief in different ways and for different lengths of time. It is important to respect how others are grieving.

People may behave differently at different times – and their behaviour may be unpredictable. Some people express their grief through crying and talking, creative activities, outbursts of anger or keeping busy. Other people prefer to be quiet, spend time alone or join a support group. If someone’s way of grieving is uncomfortable for you, try to avoid judging them and accept that everyone is different. Let them grieve in a way that feels right for them.

This can be an opportunity to support and comfort each other and understand other ways of grieving. See How to help someone who is grieving. It also includes information on helping children.

At times the sadness and pain I feel is all consuming and hard to bear, while at other times these feelings are just in the background of my day-to-day activities.

Anne

Types of grief

There are a number of different types of grief that can occur in the lead up to, and period that follows, a death.

Anticipatory grief

Grief is not just something that happens after someone dies. When someone is ill for some time and the death is expected, their family and friends may begin to grieve their death before it happens. This is known as anticipatory or pre-loss grief. It does not make grief after the death any easier or shorter, and the death can still feel like a great shock.

Knowing that someone will die soon may give you the chance to finish a project together or have important conversations. Anticipatory grief may also provide the opportunity to imagine the future without your family member or friend. This doesn’t mean you are a bad or uncaring person. If the person died at peace, having said and done what they wanted to, this may give you a sense of comfort.

Traumatic grief

If the death was very sudden, or in traumatic circumstances, you may feel that things were left unfinished or unsaid. You may not have been able to be with the person when they died, or things may not have gone as you wished. You may also be managing symptoms of shock and disbelief. Some people are traumatised due to experiences during the illness and death of a significant person.

Trauma leads to challenging physical and emotional symptoms and can complicate grief for affected people.

Complicated grief

Grief may be complicated if you have conflicted feelings about the death. This may be because you’ve had difficulties, in the past or in the present, with the person who died. Relationships can often be complex and challenging, while still being caring. If other people didn’t know about or understand your relationship with the person who died, you may feel very alone in your grief.

For more information, see Living with advanced cancer, Palliative care and Facing end of life.