After someone dies

Even when death is expected, it’s common to feel upset, sad or shocked. An expected death is not an emergency and what you need to do next depends on the circumstances. 

What to do after the death

If the person was cared for at home and was expected to die at home, there is no need to call an ambulance or the police. You can take some time to sit with the person. You may want to call close family or friends who may have wanted to see the person or say goodbye. If you would prefer not to be alone, call a friend or family member. If the person dies during the night, you may choose to wait until the morning to take action. There is no hurry to call or let someone know right away.

When you feel ready, call the person’s GP or community nurse and a funeral home. The GP or nurse will examine the person to verify death and complete a medical certificate confirming the death. In some cases, the GP will also need to complete another form if the person is being cremated. This is needed to make funeral arrangements. Sometimes the person’s GP may not be available at the time of death, so prepare for this possibility by discussing what to do in advance.

The funeral director can register the death with the registry of births, deaths and marriages in your state or territory; the registry will then organise a death certificate.  

If the death occurs in a palliative care unit, hospital or residential aged care home, there’s usually no need to rush. You can have time alone with the person before the nurses explain what needs to be done. Some people want to wait until other family members or friends have had the opportunity to say goodbye.

Several organisations will need to be told of the death. Services Australia has a useful checklist of who may need to be notified.

Funeral and religious services

Many people have no previous experience organising a funeral and little knowledge of what to do. Funerals can be an important part of the grieving process. They allow family and friends to share their grief, say goodbye and celebrate the person’s life. Funerals can be personalised to suit cultural or spiritual beliefs.

The executor of the will or a family member usually arranges the funeral service. Most people use a funeral director, who can organise the service, coffin or casket, newspaper notices and flowers, and help with many of the legal responsibilities such as registering the death.

You can organise these details yourself if you prefer; you do not need to use a funeral director. If the person has a prepaid funeral plan, it will usually include details of what they wanted and also which funeral director to use. Even if the person has prepaid their funeral plan, they may also have left instructions or talked to you about their wishes.

If you don’t know the person’s wishes, you might need to decide. This can be difficult and stressful, especially as other family members may have different ideas about what should happen.

You may choose not to have a funeral or to have an event such as a celebration of life.

Ways to remember

You may want to do something special to acknowledge and honour the life of your family member or friend after they’ve died. Some people find this helps them cope with their loss. 

• Cook their favourite meal or cake on their birthday.
• Organise to have a memorial plaque put in a favourite spot.
• Plant a special tree or flower.
• Frame a photo or a cherished note or other memento.
• Create an annual award or scholarship in their name.
• Create an online memorial page with photos and stories.
• Make a donation or volunteer at their chosen charity or community group.
• Talk about the person with others who knew them.

Wills and probate

A will is a legal document stating how the deceased person’s belongings (assets or estate) are to be distributed after their death. The executor of the will is responsible for distributing the person’s assets to the people named in the will. This happens after any debts are paid.

Before the executor can release any of the assets, they need to have the will validated by the courts. This process is known as probate. 

See Caring for someone with cancer.

Financial matters

You usually won’t be able to access the person’s money from their bank accounts until after probate. You may be eligible for financial assistance after an immediate family member has died. Centrelink provides a number of payments and services to the spouse, partner or children. Check to see if you’re eligible for a bereavement allowance or payment, double orphan pension, widow allowance or pension bonus bereavement payment at Services Australia.

Grief

The response you have to losing someone is called grief. This loss can impact many areas of your life – from the physical, mental and emotional, to the social and spiritual.

You may feel grief for people you loved very much, but you may also feel grief if you lose someone you had a complicated relationship with, or hadn’t seen in a long time. You may feel sad, numb, disbelief, lonely, guilty, angry, relieved or accepting. It’s common to have trouble sleeping, cry a lot or have difficulty crying, lose your appetite, or not be interested in your usual activities. You may feel tired or lack energy, be forgetful or not able to concentrate, or not want to go out and do things you usually would.

Some people have a big emotional reaction right away, but other people may “get on with life” for a while before feelings of grief happen. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve, and everyone mourns in their own way and in their own time.

Coping with grief doesn’t mean getting over the person’s death. It’s about finding ways to adapt to the loss. It may be according to religious or spiritual practices, but it can also be more personal. Even though your relative or friend is no longer physically present, they remain part of you and your life. This ongoing connection can be a source of comfort in your grief.

You might feel pressure from yourself or others to get over it and get on with life, but grief has no set stages or timeline. It can seem like a roller-coaster – sometimes you might feel yourself “coming good” and then swiftly go downhill again for a while. The sorrow may never go away completely, but most people gradually adapt to the loss. The pain will usually become less intense as you come to terms with how your life has changed.

Sometimes, the pain does not seem to ease over time. If you’re concerned that your grief is stopping you from living your life, professional support may be helpful. At any stage of grief, you can call Cancer Connect on 13 11 20 to  to talk about how you are feeling or connect with further support. Your specialist palliative care team may also offer support.

Learn more about coping with grief.