About sex, intimacy and cancer

You may want to have sex, but your body may not respond like it used to. Some sexual positions or activities may be uncomfortable or different now. It’s natural to feel sad or upset about the loss of your previous sex life or desire. Try to focus on creating intimacy and pleasure in new ways, instead of recreating how you used to have sex (e.g. kissing then penetration). Sex may be different after a cancer diagnosis, but it can still be good. You may find new ways to enjoy it and feel close to your partner.

Cancer can influence how you feel about your body (body image), your emotions and your relationships. These things can affect your interest in sex. It is stressful finding out you have cancer. If you had stress already in your life or relationship, this may become more intense. It’s important to find ways to manage stress and take care of your emotional wellbeing.

Young people with cancer need to continue to develop and mature. This includes living as normally as possible, going on dates or having a partner. But this can feel hard, especially with changes to how you look, fertility issues, or if you don’t have much experience of sex.

As well as talking to your treatment team or a sex therapist, you could get in touch with Canteen. They offer counselling in person, over the phone, by email or direct message (DM). They also run online forums and camps. Call 1800 835 932.

Share any concerns you have, about sex or being intimate, with your partner. Tell them when you feel ready to have sex, what still works for you, what doesn’t, and if they should do anything differently.

Show affection by cuddling, holding hands, lying together naked, kissing or giving a massage. Discuss what’s changed to avoid misunderstandings and take the pressure off going any further.

If the way you used to have sex has changed, try new sexual positions or explore different erogenous zones. You could try manual sex using fingers for penetration, mutual masturbation, oral sex, genital rubbing with personal lubricants (lube), vibrators or sex toys, erotic images and stories, or sexual fantasies. 

Using lubricants (lube) and erection devices, taking medicines, and managing incontinence or stomas may all mean you have to plan when to have sex. Some people say they miss spontaneity, others find that scheduling sexual activity gives them something to look forward to.

Many people in relationships don’t see sex as the most important part of being together. Feelings about sex may also change as you get older. Spend time doing things you both enjoy and that may bring you closer. Then sex isn’t the only way you show affection and share intimacy. 

Feeling relaxed can help you enjoy sex more. You can use free apps and podcasts to guide you through relaxation and meditation techniques. Many treatment centres run meditation programs. Listen to Cancer Council's podcast series Finding Calm During Cancer.

Touch and masturbation can help you to understand what has changed in how you feel. You have complete control and can find out what feels good, or what feels sore or numb, without any pressure to “perform” or to keep going with a partner. Once you feel more comfortable, you can show your partner what feels good and what works best for you.

Ask your healthcare team how to manage any sexual changes. Your doctor can also refer you to a sexual health physician, sex therapist or psychosexual counsellor. 

It can seem easier to avoid talking about sex when you are both tired from dealing with cancer and treatment. Even partners who are usually comfortable sharing their thoughts with each other may not have talked much about sex before. This may be because of embarrassment; not having time or privacy; not feeling confident; fear of rejection; waiting for the other person to bring it up; or assuming things are okay or normal.

Being able to communicate your needs, feelings and thoughts to your partner is now more important than ever. This can help prevent frustrations or tension, for example, if one of you is avoiding sex. 

You can adjust to changes in your sex life after cancer with good communication. Let your partner know what you’re going through and how they can help you cope. Talk about how your relationship is changing, how you’re both feeling, and what you’re both worried about. Discuss what you want or hope for, and ways you can enjoy intimacy during and after cancer or treatment.

Sometimes it’s better to talk about sex away from the bedroom. Choose a time when you aren’t tired, rushed or upset about something else. You can also make plans for other ways to be close. Or explore sensual activities that don’t involve penetrative sex, such as hugging, skin-to-skin contact or massage.

Your partner may be worried about hurting you or being too eager. Some people avoid all touch because they don’t know what feels okay. Talking about how you both feel can help you understand the situation better. You can ask your partner what they want and discuss what feels comfortable for you.

A healthy relationship and trust help you feel safe and confident during sex. Feeling close and being able to talk and listen with respect can make a big difference. We all need emotional support. Sometimes, it may help to take a step back, and ensure that the foundation of your relationship is strong, before focusing on sex.

If talking about sex feels awkward for you or your partner, or you find it difficult to talk to each other without becoming upset, counselling may help. Call Cancer Connect on 13 11 20, ask your doctor or nurse, or find a psychologist, relationship counsellor or sex therapist. They can help you talk about your sexual concerns and find ways to meet each other’s needs.

During cancer, relationships often change. Sometimes it happens gradually almost without noticing, while other times it’s sudden and obvious. Talking about these changes can help with concerns about sex and intimacy. Spending time together as a couple can rebuild closeness. Changing your location can help you both relax and focus on things other than cancer. This could be a weekend away, going to a restaurant or simply getting out of the house or hospital to sit in a park. For ways to connect, see Communicating with your partner. If you’re a carer, see Concerns for partners.

My husband has more sexual needs than me, and during my treatment he didn’t pressure me or make me feel bad about not initiating sex... I really appreciated it.

Catherine

• “I feel like I don’t have the energy for sex, but I’m worried about how that makes you feel. Can we talk and work out a plan together?”
• “I’m happy to cuddle, but I’m not ready for sex – can we agree to just cuddle for now?”
• “There are some things we could try that may help us feel close and connected, without ‘going all the way’.”
• “I want to show you how I like to be touched and the places that are sore and out of bounds.”
• “I feel ready for sex again, but I’d like to take things slowly.”
• “I really miss our sex life. When can we talk about being physically close again?”
• “That’s the right spot, but a lighter touch would feel better.”
• “I’m not avoiding sex, but I don’t feel as confident about it since my body has changed.”
• “Can we talk with someone who can help us with our sex issues?”

• “The cancer treatment changed my body. It’s hard to talk about the changes, but I want you to know that after treatment I now have... (e.g. a stoma/erection problems/a narrow vagina).”
• “I really like where our relationship is going. I want to tell you that I have/have had cancer. I’m afraid you might not find me attractive or that you’d rather be with someone who doesn’t have or hasn’t had cancer. What do you think?”
• “I’m still interested in sex, but we need to do things a little differently. Are you okay with that?”
• “I haven’t had sex since my cancer treatment, and I’m nervous about how it will go. How do you feel about taking things slowly?”
• “Before we get serious, I want to tell you how cancer treatment affected my fertility. I can’t have children naturally, but I want to be a parent. Would you be interested in exploring other ways of becoming a parent, if that’s something that we both see in our future?"